Mother Knows (Me) Best

So Sunday before last was my birthday. This weekend I finally made it up to the 'rents to celebrate. My mom got me this card:





Well 30-some years later I've managed a 180:



The kid on the card isn't actually me. And the choice of card is no happy accident. In fact Mom helped make PottyShirt v1.0.

She also got me this:

Dubiously Surefire Ways to Pass (Portions of) a Roadside Sobriety Test

Disclaimer: The writer will not be held responsible for any damages incurred as the result of the following. The writer would also like to point out that one should never take legal advice from a man in a diaper, Matlock excepted.

1. Be illiterate. When the arresting officer asks you to recite the alphabet backwards simply burst into tears and sob something to the effect of "I can't read! I never learned my BVDs!"

2. Be an amputee. Walking a straight line is tough enough even sober. Walking a straight line missing a leg/wearing a prosthetic/using those weird polio crutches is probably nigh-impossible. The bright side is you'll have hopping in place on one leg down pat.

3. Lack a nose. If asked to hold your arms apart and slowly touch your nose simply point out your missing proboscis and the incredible insensitivity of the arresting officer. An industrious drunk might be tempted to endeavor in an impromptu nose-ectomy but, per the old adage, it's never a good idea to cut off one's nose to spite the fuzz.