Cheddar FonDrew

Bye Bye Beardie

noreply@blogger.com (Dr. Ew) — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 21:11:00 +0000

So ... I grew a long beard. 6 months' worth. It looked like this on Monday:

But this Thursday, I fly to Denver to attend a wedding on Saturday and ... I just don't want to be "That Guy" in Cheese's wedding photos. But I'd put so much effort into effortlessness that I didn't want to just kiss it all away so easily.

Tuesday:

(I dunno why I LOVE this pic but I fell in love and emulated the look for the following pics.)

Wednesday:

This day was the worst. Just look at that monstrosity!

Thursday:

This day was easily the most popular. Curly is ballsy and invited lots of intimations about Mr. Monopoly, Ringmasters, That Guy Who Wasn't Dudley Do-Right, Turn-Of-The-Century-Strongmen-With-Labeled-Round-Barbells, etc. Personally, it was the worst day. It looked good 'n' funny, but the pomade I used to curl it kept running into my mouth and I spent the whole day with a chemical taste in the back of my throat.

Friday:

I slicked my hair back (what hair I have left [in the front, anyway])) and caught hell about that ("Zorro!" "Rico Suave!" etc.), as opposed to my crappy, blond nod to Gable and Addams.

Saturday:

Finale:

Big beard: Mom hates it. Friends applaud it. Coworkers comment on it.

This week's change/performance: Out of 60 or so coworkers only 10 percent seemed to be "in" on the joke/performance (if you could even call it that).

I'm growing back my old 1/8-inch beard because, as the pictures attest, I'm a chinless freak.

[P.S. I'd have normally spelled "Beardie" as "Beardy," but for pun's sake, I went against my own spelling fastidiousness.]

Frito Lay Customer Comment Line 1-800-352-4477

noreply@blogger.com (Dr. Ew) — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 00:26:00 +0000

Stumped for something to say to the good folks at Frito Lay? Following is a list of interesting conversation starters:

• "Is this your idea of funny? Which one of you farted in this bag of Cheetos? I just opened a new bag and it smells like fart."

• "How can I grow my own Funyuns?"

• "This bag of Rold Gold Pretzels:
sold my neighbor's kid counterfeit tickets to see Foreigner at the State Fair!"
is looking at me funny."
ran up charges on my credit card!"
wrote an inflammatory email to my boss!"
gave me head lice!"

• "I read that you're coming out with some new Star Trek-flavored Doritos. Which captain will the bag feature? Kirk or Picard?"

• "Is it true that Chuck Berry's Ghost is scheduled to be on your board of directors?"

• "This Christmas tree is defective!"

Mother Knows (Me) Best

noreply@blogger.com (Dr. Ew) — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 22:19:00 +0000

So Sunday before last was my birthday. This weekend I finally made it up to the 'rents to celebrate. My mom got me this card:

Well 30-some years later I've managed a 180:

The kid on the card isn't actually me. And the choice of card is no happy accident. In fact Mom helped make PottyShirt v1.0.

She also got me this:

Dubiously Surefire Ways to Pass (Portions of) a Roadside Sobriety Test

noreply@blogger.com (Dr. Ew) — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 10:50:00 +0000

Disclaimer: The writer will not be held responsible for any damages incurred as the result of the following. The writer would also like to point out that one should never take legal advice from a man in a diaper, Matlock excepted.

1. Be illiterate. When the arresting officer asks you to recite the alphabet backwards simply burst into tears and sob something to the effect of "I can't read! I never learned my BVDs!"

2. Be an amputee. Walking a straight line is tough enough even sober. Walking a straight line missing a leg/wearing a prosthetic/using those weird polio crutches is probably nigh-impossible. The bright side is you'll have hopping in place on one leg down pat.

3. Lack a nose. If asked to hold your arms apart and slowly touch your nose simply point out your missing proboscis and the incredible insensitivity of the arresting officer. An industrious drunk might be tempted to endeavor in an impromptu nose-ectomy but, per the old adage, it's never a good idea to cut off one's nose to spite the fuzz.

Gettin' Back On The Horse (That Done Gone & Threw Me)

noreply@blogger.com (Dr. Ew) — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 02:47:00 +0000

Made a new shirt.

Happy Drew Year!

noreply@blogger.com (Dr. Ew) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 05:59:00 +0000

'Nuff said.

Theme Song

noreply@blogger.com (Dr. Ew) — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 02:20:00 +0000

Astute visitors may notice a new feature here on CFD: A Theme Song! Thanks go out to Kate for being an awesome webmistress and turning me on to Dubious Ranger who, for a small fee, created my awesome jam.

I coughed up the dough and they asked 10 questions to which I replied:

"1. Danceable psychedelic 60's-80's pop with an infectious gang-vocal-worthy chorus that would sell a metric shit-ton of cat food. P.S. I'm a huge Ween fan.
2. I'd like the chorus to incorporate my nickname: "Dr. Ew". I like it pronounced "Doctor Oooooo (as in "Ooooooo! That feels awesome!")" as opposed to "Doctor Ewwwww (as in "Ewwwww! That smells nasty!")". Feel free to snoop my blog www.cheddarfondrew.com/ for other various lyrical content.
3. "It's Not Unusual" by Tom Jones, "Rock n Roll Hoochie Koo" by Rick Derringer, "Steppin' Out" by Joe Jackson, "Hot Pants" by James Brown
4. I like rock drums, farty/wet bass, squiggly synth lines, funky horn charts and swirling acid-soaked guitars. I'd like a little glockenspiel, if possible. You guys can go nuts but I'd prefer something that wasn't too busy to enjoy.
5. Somewhere between lots and oodles.
6. All of the above
7. PG-13 (Two "fucks" max)
8. I'd like to hear my jam before 2010.
9. Can I answer that after I've heard it?
10. Sure. What the hell!"

And I really enjoy the results.

Pros: The guitar is acid-soaked, the synth couldn't be squigglier, there's a glockenspiel and my chorus is seriously bad-ass (the back-up vocals sound more Gener than hot black ladies but I'm still going to imagine hot black ladies).
(Minor) Cons: The bass is awesome (especially the breaks before the choruses) but could be wetter, somewhere along the line Tom Jones turned into Fred Schneider (which is actually kinda awesome) and the lack of a funky horn chart.

If them dudes ever make it OK way I daydream they'll bill it as "Drewbious Ranger" and let me on stage for a "Dr. Ew" freakout.

Merry Xmas

noreply@blogger.com (Dr. Ew) — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 18:23:00 +0000

I'm down with Santa.

As a bonus I'm gonna throw in last year's photo. There's a reason for the handlebar mustache in the first but I can't explain the horrible facial hair in this 'un.

Hey, this is for the song people. They'll know it's for them.

noreply@blogger.com (Dr. Ew) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 23:50:00 +0000

Everyone else will probably just "meh" over it.

Happy Belated Halloween

noreply@blogger.com (Dr. Ew) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 00:37:00 +0000

I went as a black eyed p(ea).

Random Acts of Cake-ness

noreply@blogger.com (Dr. Ew) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 01:31:00 +0000

Some months ago my aunt bought me an awesome cake pan. It's metal and has a matching lid. It'd be great for keeping cake around the house or for taking somewhere you didn't think it could sprout legs.

I like baking cake but I'm just one guy. A whole cake would go bad before I could even make a dent in it. So I decided to make a cake for all the fellows I work with - and labelled it appropriately.

Now I'm stuck with a whole bunch of letters that won't spell much of anything. So I'll probably just hang onto 'em and make the next one a word search.

Caricature

noreply@blogger.com (Dr. Ew) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 22:34:00 +0000

Two weeks ago I volunteered at Claremore, Oklahoma's own Bluegrass & Chili Festival. I know you're thinking "Wait. Banjos AND flatulent rednecks?!? Where do I sign up?" but the reality is that I've got a plum job on the beverage crew. In my case it amounts to rollin' around all day in a golf cart with a very nice young lady (pretty, to boot!) and occasionally shouldering an ice bag or case of pop. Sure, there are drawbacks. The third day of the festival I heard 5 "Rocky Top"s and 4 "Uncle Penn"s. Mind you that's over a whole day with 3 stages but... c'mon!

So during one of our numerous down times we toured the craft area to look at all the jerky, scented candles, crappy jewelry, knockoff sunglasses, microwaveable pork rinds (WTF?! There was demand for freshly microwaved pork rinds?!?), and the ubiquitous "Hey! Here's some free chewing tobacco! Get hooked!" stands. Among the trash-vendors was a (seemingly lonely and under-worked) caricaturist.

Now I'd had one caricature done at a company picnic. It was of me and my ex-girlfriend. I'd post it but I packed it up with her shit when I kicked her out. At the time I guess my thought was she'd be reminded that I'm awesome and she sucks... but I'm sure it was trashed soon after. That's heartless, inscrutable Asians for ya (I don't really think that about Asians - I just find stereotypes conveniently hilarious)! That particular caricaturist gave me a six-head (in case you're unaware: most people have foreheads but as we men go bald it becomes a five-head (and in some cases a real-life six-head)). So I prefaced my sitting with this anecdote and was quickly reassured that wouldn't reoccur.

Now when I meet people with interesting jobs I like to ask questions. I asked him what was his hardest assignment. He explained that he'd once been hired to draw at a mental institution. It was hard, he said, to make flattering drawings of people who couldn't smile. Apparently he was successful as he went on to receive letters of praise from the patients' families thanking him for what had become their favorite renderings of their loved ones. (I think that's a neat story. Almost makes me misty.)

I then asked him what was the weirdest thing he'd been asked to draw. He described a corporate booze cruise he'd been hired for. He was being underutilized (why does that happen? I've seen it firsthand but if I ain't payin' for it I'm damn sure going to get my free balloon hat, caricature or similar). Somebody finally asked for his services and asked to be drawn as a Klingon. Pretty cool.

Even cooler: He said a teen had once asked to be drawn as a suave, tux'ed, 007-James Bond type. He obliged and as he finished the kid asked him to write the kid's own phone number on the drawing. The kid went on to explain that there was a girl working at the local mini-mart that he was trying to impress. So my caricaturist drew a moony-eyed cashier in the background. I asked if the ploy had worked. He didn't know. But the romantic notion persists even without fruition.

Because I was chatting with Danielle (the aforementioned pretty co-volunteer) about the new Beatles Rock Band game I was given a Beatles t-shirt and a guitar. But next time I'm going to either:

1. Ask to be drawn as something outlandishly out of character. A pro wrestler or a cowboy or something.

2. Chat about some bizarre hobby like reenacting episodes of Golden Girls with dead, costumed turtles super-glued to popsicle sticks. Or compulsively leaving sandwich bags of my freshly shorn pubic hair labeled "Free Pubic Hair!" in public places and waiting to watch the reactions of the odd passerby. And just see what happens.

TL;DR: Met cool caricature artist. Got caricature. See pic.

R.O.N.D.o's

noreply@blogger.com (Dr. Ew) — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 22:22:00 +0000

I'm thinking today: "I sure do love hot dogs." Then I thought "Foot-long hot dogs are boring. Old hat."

Then it hit me: Yard dogs. That's right. Three feet of hot dog or, better yet, corn dog. (Note to self: Research suppliers of hygienic yardsticks.)

It all seems perfect for the state fair crowd. "I got my funnelcake and my three feet of miscellaneous parts stuffed in a casing, battered and deep fried. Now this is living!"

And that all seems reasonable enough but then I had the idea for R.O.N.D.o's (Ridiculously Oversized Novelty Diners (the second "o" is superfluous, it just has a ring to it)). At RONDo's we'll serve Yard Dogs. And big-ass glasses that hold 2 liters of pop (why the hell do we Americans buy pop in metric?!?). And what I'm going to call "Frisburgers". Burgers the size of Frisbees (that is until we're sued by Wham-O, after which they'll be called "Flying-Novelty-Disc-Burgers"). We'll give the impression that you can bring the whole family to share in one crazy big-ass dog or burger but I'm sure we'll draw lots of Type 2 diabetes sufferers. So we'll have extra big comfy chairs and tables.

We'll have a commercial like this:

Guy 1: "I'm hungry. I'm goin' to RONDo's.

Guy 2: "RONDo's? What's that?"

Guy 1: "Ridiculously Oversized Novelty Diner. The extra "o" stands for "OMG!""

Guy 2: "That's certainly a mouthful!"

Guy 1: "You can say that again!"

Drew's First Big Boy Vacation

noreply@blogger.com (Dr. Ew) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 22:08:00 +0000

I've been on vacations as an adult before. I'd just never planned one. Every flight/vacation I've been on has been planned by an ex-girlfriend, my mother or my sister. It was kind of a big deal to me.

So for Labor Day I decided to make my triumphant return to Denver (or as I affectionately refer to it: Donkeytown). Most of the friends I visited had either
A: Never seen me drive
or
B: Hadn't seen me drive in 10 years
- so I rented a Cadillac.
Thursday night I had dinner (proper Denver Mexican, natch (anything can be smothered with green chile IMO)) with Myron and his girlfriend Diana and he absolutely could not stop marveling at the sight of me behind the wheel of a car, much less a Caddie. Totally worth the extra dough. Here's a pic of me and the Caddie:

I stayed with my friend Brian (Dirty Curty) that night and had a ball. As different as he and I are, and in spite of 18 months of separation, we slipped right into our familiar shtick like putting on old shoes.

Friday I spent the day with my bro Matt & his boy Hank. We played dominoes, ate some (more) awesome Mexican at Senor Pepes, picked up Hank from school, ate ice cream, played Legos and took some gorilla suit pics. Here's one of Matt, Hank & I:

I spent Friday evening with James (JimJam) and his girlfriend Amber (AmBam) in their groovy apartment in the newly gentrified Five Points neighborhood. It's a neat place and we went out for Chubby's (Denver's best green chile, hands down). We stayed up late-ish laughing and visiting.

Saturday James & I had breakfast at my old favorite haunt, The Park Tavern, before I headed north to Fort Collins to see my sister, Kelly. She and I went for a pedicure (it's become a bit of a tradition when we get together) and, as always, the gal got a kick out of painting my toenails. That evening we had dinner and drinks at her husband Hal's restaurant. His green chile's a bit fancy for my taste but he promised the recipe so I could use it as a base, at least, to make my own. We played some pinball and I laughed at people's reactions to Potty-Shirt version 2.0.

Sunday was Ween (my absolute favorite touring band) at Red Rocks (my absolute favorite venue for live music). I'd been entertaining the idea of temp-tattooing my own face on the back of my shaven head and this seemed like the perfect moment: Several thousand people standing behind me to view my insanity. Here's about the best pic of it:

The way I'd printed it (and the way the temp tattoo paper works) I had an extra. Kelly thought it'd be a good idea to put it here:

We drove back down to D-town and checked into our hotel. Having something stuck to back of your own head kind of deprives you of enjoying people's reaction. When we had our first viewer Kelly started laughing which made me start laughing. Apparently the gent was quite stunned/amused. We ran a few errands for sandwiches and liquor and cackled often at the reactions of the norms.

JimJam & AmBam arrived and we headed to the show. I dunno why I'm always surprised at some people's lack of reaction to some of my hi-jinx - I guess everybody's just too cool/jaded nowadays. Some people did enjoy it so there's that.

Here's a good pic of J & A:

And one of me & Sis:

And one of the four of us:

Anyhow, Ween played great and fun was had by all.

We partied a minute back at the hotel and hungover to the moon I made my way over to DIA to fly back to The Land Of Draw-string Pants. I turned in the Caddie and hopped on the shuttle bus. I'm sitting there wondering how my head/face tat's going over with the public at large (again, I can't see their reactions and no matter how hard I whipped my head around couldn't catch anyone agog) when a guy who looks like Ween's bass player (Dave Dreiwitz) gets on the shuttle. He's the sort of celebrity (?) who's nondescript enough that I only barely ventured a "Great show last night." My pretty blue toes caught him by surprise and after my comment registered he gave a quick "Thanks". I glanced back later to catch him and his girlfriend with big smiles (I presume it was due to my insanity.)

To wrap up: only two people had the temerity to ask WTF?!? about my head from DIA to OKC and I was "home". The whole trip seemed to only reinforce the feeling that I'm living in enemy territory and left me very homesick. Oh well. Sorry if this all was TL:DR.

If I Were In The Military

noreply@blogger.com (Dr. Ew) — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 09:19:00 +0000

I'd wait till I maxed my rank and then change my name to something stupid based on that rank.

-General Disarray (or maybe Desiree just to make it even weirder)
-Admiral Ackbar (or Halsey (for Wings fans))
-Colonel Sanders (or O'Truth or O'Corn (but those don't even sound half-way real))
-Major Tom
-Captain... well, Captain could go about a million ways but I think I'd have to go with Crunch (pic to follow)
-Sergeant Slaughter (showing my age with that one)
-Corporal O'Reilly (the movie's awesome but the TV show, for the most part, sucked (especially once Alda got a hold of it))
-and my favorite of all (which, unfortunately, would require me to be a seriously bad soldier) Private Parts.

I made a new shirt... mang! It was slithering this way and that!

noreply@blogger.com (Dr. Ew) — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 10:16:00 +0000

European Pencils

noreply@blogger.com (Dr. Ew) — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 01:55:00 +0000

They don't sharpen like We Do. Short and Stubby, not Long and Sharp. No Tic-Tac-Toe but Squares and Skinny Pants. Their Vampires wear Sweaters where Ours wear Tuxedos and Cummerbunds. Rubik's Cubes?!? More like Pubic(?!?)'s* Boobs!
Yay, America!

*Fuck you, Scandinavia. Y'all can make Awesome Pr0n (where's the MF'in Slash throught that Zero?!?) but your Puzzles sucks.

P.S. Tomahawk Pangya on You All's Asses (I wanted to "Y'all" again but I just did, in the previous sentence. And the Pangya comment was really more directed at Brazilians rather than Nordics.)!

Got a pedi

noreply@blogger.com (Dr. Ew) — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 23:23:00 +0000

I love me some pedi-action. The vibro-chairs alone are worth the price of admission.

The li'l gal doin' mine asked if I had a color picked out and was happily surprised that I did. She was braggin' to the other techs that she had now painted two dudes' toes. Then her mom started my bro-in-law's and my gal was all like: "You got one, Mommy!" Later, her mom, who didn't speak English, asked her daughter to ask if my bro-in-law, Hal, was my dad. The poor bastard's only 6 years older!

(Anybody know why Mimi Bobeck was on The Price Is Right or why everyone on the show was wearing Groucho glasses?)

Random Wacky Photo

noreply@blogger.com (Dr. Ew) — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 04:12:00 +0000

I need a bigger litterbox.

And access to The Onion in print.

And some sense of propriety.

Maybe.

What really happened Saturday night:

noreply@blogger.com (Dr. Ew) — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 00:45:00 +0000

What's Captain Kirk's least favorite nut?

noreply@blogger.com (Dr. Ew) — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 01:47:00 +0000

PECAN!!!

If I Were A Grandfather

noreply@blogger.com (Dr. Ew) — Wed, 20 May 2009 23:18:00 +0000

I'd ask that my theoretical grandchildren call me "The Crushinator". Or "SlayMaster". That way when anyone asked them what their plans were they'd say "I'm spending the summer with Grandma and The Crushinator" or "I'm going to see "SlayMaster and Granny."

My new 'do!

noreply@blogger.com (Dr. Ew) — Sat, 09 May 2009 00:46:00 +0000

I usually wear my hair cropped to 1/8". Every coupla years I grow out my hair. It always looks terrible. I decided to go back to the usual with a quick pit stop on the way.

When I go to work on Monday I'm going to tell the What-The-Fuck? ers I went out Friday and lost my toupee.

I'm retarded.

[edit: I added a few more stupid photos as this haircut is very temporary and they won't belong anywhere else.]

Happy Drink-o de Mayo!

noreply@blogger.com (Dr. Ew) — Tue, 05 May 2009 22:20:00 +0000

I'd pretty much forgotten Cinco this year. That's an impossibility back in Denver (the Mexican-American population, here in Oklahoma, seems to prefer a lower profile).

Back in Denver Cinco is huge. There's even a street festival featuring all sorts of awesome Mexican stuff in the parks next to the Capitol building. The food is super-authentic and awesome. The tacos are made on tiny soft corn tortillas, three to a plate, with questionable cuts of meat. One year I bought a cheap straw vaquero hat for $20 and still enjoy wearing it (especially when I'm pantomiming riding a dog half-naked).

It's so big they even close down a major thoroughfare, Federal Boulevard, just for cruising. The Mexicans, both legal and il, drape Mexican flags across the hoods of their low riders and inch down the street shouting and blaring Latin jams. There's invariably a shooting but it seems most folks have a good time.

I want to co-opt the idea. Some Fourth of July I'm going to rent a Chrysler LeBaron convertible, preferably doo-doo brown. I'll affix The Stars and Stripes to the hood and my friends and I will dress in Polo shirts with sweaters tied around our necks. We'll cruise around every mall in town doing the "U.S.A." chant while blaring Bing Crosby.

Or maybe some hot sitar jams, just to further confuse the issue.

The Simpsons Channel

noreply@blogger.com (Dr. Ew) — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 23:27:00 +0000

So I was thinking about syndication the other day. I used to spend a lot of time thinking about syndication. Most of the TV I love I didn't romance in prime-time but in the afternoons after school or work. This includes The Simpsons. Some might cry "Heretic!" at this point but the truth is that after the initial excitement of seeing my favorite part (and probably the only part I understood) of The Tracy Ullman Show get their due... there was some disappointment. Animated or no the first three seasons are, for the most part, general sitcom fodder. Not until Season 4 did it truly become the institution it is today.

I was wondering about the fact that the ep's are only syndicated locally and not on cable. I'm guessing they make more money milking every affiliate individually (do the repeats appear on any local network other than Fox?) than they would from a single cable broadcaster.

Or

Could they be just lying in wait to debut The Simpsons Channel-"All Simpsons, All The Time"? Think about it. They've already got 400+ episodes and are maybe three years away from 500. They could easily do it in 8 hour blocks (just 16 ep's) three times a day or just twice and sell the wee hours away to Ronco's Pocket Ronco or The Cleanse Your Bowels And Grow Your Weenie Show. They could fill at least 3 weeks before recycling.

Maybe they don't stay too tethered to an only The Simpsons programming schedule. They could show a movie very influential on Our Favorite Family like, say, Citizen Kane or Apocalypse Now, and then air all episodes with references to the film. Maybe pull Futurama back into the fold and kill some more airtime that way. It could work.

As a reward for suffering through my ramblings I've decided to go ahead and include some pics.

Homer J. Simpson - Halloween '06

Milhouse Van Houten - The Simpsons Movie premiere